I was attending a Grief Support group dealing with my severe grief over my daughter McKenzie's death in a car accident caused by a careless driver. The Therapist group leader announced that next Saturday we will be attending a multi-group event to release balloons into the sky in memory of our loved ones that had passed.
I told the group leader I wouldn't be attending the event. She attempted to change my mind telling me it was time to face my grief and this event is designed to release that grief. I explained my reason by telling her this story;
Years ago when my daughter McKenzie was at the age of just nine. We were enjoying a carnival in Tucson with the entire family. McKenzie began crying for no apparent reason. When I asked why she was shedding all those tears.
She pointed to the sky where I noticed a red helium balloon sailing into the blue Arizona sky.
In a sincere voice she said:
"Look at the balloon flying away.
Now a Seal or Sea Tortoise is going to die."
I explained my reason to not attend the event by telling the Group Leader the story. I'm not sure she understood. I never returned to the group.
Balloonitarian Groups believe when death comes to visit a loved one, the string attached to the balloon of life also containing the soul is released, then slowly there's an ascent delivering them higher into the forever sky, drifting wherever the gentle breeze carries souls, all sins are forgiven as they diffuse from the balloon along with the noble gas escaping into the boundless atmosphere, leisurely, lazily moving downward, finally coming to rest somewhere on the surface of the Mystic Ocean, bobbing back and forth to the gentle rhythm of waves, where soon a seal or possibly a sea tortoise, will swallow the polymer remains of the balloon whole, causing it to choke to death.
Black Moon Promise
Black moon promise
made to a leather winged Angel
Afterglow addict disciple of dawn
woman standing at the edge of love
listening for the silence in between the words
whispered by an ambidextrous tongue.
Loiterer in dim luminescence
under bloodshot skies.
beautiful visions reminding her of horrible things
knowing the best part of truth are the lies
casualty of kindness twilight apostle
feeling what is not her favorite color
the song of flawed perfection
its taste bitter on her lips
The melody fading with the last smile of summer
An Addicts Lament
I'll just have to start over
After ten months of being sober
My weakness proved to be stronger
than my determination to stay clean
Searched for a valid reason to get high
That didn't sound like an excuse
Resulted in a list of lies
I used to bribe the truth
I deserve a reward
for all the progress I'd made.
Listen to me trying to justify my actions
for what I had just thrown away
I'll blame my sponsor say
it's all his fault
For being out of town
When I needed his help most
he wasn't around
Temptation befriended me
encouraging my decision
Where the hell is it now
That I've become guilt ridden.
What am I thinking
who's gonna know
That I relapsed and got high
Unless I tell them so.
I can live with the lie
Big deal it's not the first time
After all I'm just a junkie and addict
Fighting a losing battle
with my habit
The Hole In My Life
There's a hole in my life
where all the happiness leaks out
Doctors tried to fix it with medication
Which produced poor results
So I made a hole in my arm
to replace what I had lost
Used all of everything I could find
Nothing succeeded to fill the void.
Next ambition, compassion gratitude and pride
also spilled out and exited my life.
A toxic depression filled the emptiness inside
What remains is a hole I made in my arm
And an addiction I struggle to satisfy
created from a madness that I prescribed
The diamond in her wedding ring has lost its glimmer
Gone is the sparkle that once danced in her eyes
Left with a basket full of laundry
Every memory a thief that has robbed her smile
A hostage of irresistible misfortune
She keeps telling herself it's a bad dream
The sink full of dirty dishes
her laughter trapped in a scream
She stares out the kitchen window
sees a future of muffled thunder in broken skies
Her conversation with silence disrupted
By the sound of the baby's demanding cry
Two Dollar Talisman
I have never professed to know much, although what I do know,
is the distance between want and need is measured in sacrifice, the road that must be traveled to obtain this awareness is plagued with fierce storms, lightning crackles with Catatumbo intensity, rain slowly rusts your ambition, the wind's sharp corners cut through a frail confidence, causing your ego to bleed, your desire starves for just a morsel of encouragement, but your hunger doesn't entitle you to take part in the soul feast, you believe no one's pain is greater than your own, convinced you've paid your dues, now fate owes you, but you've defaulted on the loan, your want is a demand, its sole purpose is to please the image reflected in a selfish mirror, you're damned to keep counting blessings, coming up short, then feeling cheated, out of what was never yours, yet you ask why your prayers go unanswered, your self-indulgent wishes are ignored, worshiping a two dollar Talisman, purchased at a thrift store, it has exhausted any cosmic goodwill it never had before, turns out to be just another poor choice, as your last resort, if a line between right and wrong ever existed, you snorted it long ago, and conscience you considered an encumbrance, was shedd in liabilities shadow.
I've lived a deplorable existence inside the underbelly of life, my reward for addiction and a twisted mind, been in places where Satan would be afraid to visit, acting on some drug's bad advice, I've learned the more I denied my want, I discovered how little I need, I've heard it rains diamonds on Neptune, there's blue sunsets on Mars, but as I mentioned, I don't know much, I'm just an imitation of me.