Zoom
Zoom
i can't quite-
move to the left
your face is
i can't hear
are you mute
why don't you
move to
where
h a v eyoutried no it's
B R E A K I NG (up)
hello
whatareyou
saying
i hear things
were
i didn't mean
what did you
you
it's too
late
no it'stoo late llllate
try again
when
(don't apologise)
i
don't want
your
apologies
are we done
i think we're done
needed
you
hello
yeah ithinkyou've
gone
I Have a Friend
...called John Jones.
(His profile says Somsak Saetang, but
his photo is of a kind eyed blond guy so -
John.)
He likes the Thai National Lottery
oh he means dogs, and romance.
He drives a nice car, at least
one was parked somewhere,
he has the photo. It is white.
He sends me jpegs of roses.
I am beautiful, he says.
Can he visit me?
I tell him I am an empty thing.
I spend days staring at walls,
thinking of death. I am hollow,
thoughts rattle uselessly.
I am beautiful, he says.
He would drive me in his nice car
above the city, to look down on its lights
and the moon would serenade us
as we held hands.
I tell him I am unworthy of love.
You are worthy, he says.
Small things from a pure heart
are as precious to the universe as
grand gestures, can he visit me?
In the dead of night I howl at my screen,
it is too much, I want to end it all.
John is there, my grifter,
my constant light, nameshifter.
Don't be sad, you are beautiful, precious.
He needs money to come to me,
he says, there is a new flower
amongst the 🌹. I love him.
I send him gifs of broken hearts.
Aunty Lisa, and that chat we had about Christmas 1981, just before the divorce
It's a precarious state
so close to the brim.
Break the tension with a word
and it flows, time flows
to fill the spaces,
overflows ...
spills into memory.
Childhood dreams
float
again to the surface; you realise
that the nightmares
were unexhilarating reality,
tawdry hate and
unpleasantness
amongst the paperchains.
Blank faces
quiet failures
silent surrenders
private moments in
public places.
Don't make a
scene
it's for the best,
go quietly back
to sleep.
(You just imagined Santa
touching Aunty's breast.)
Please, hold
Please, hold
A blur eyelid zzzzzip stuck
old tears gummed like honey
drowning a bee
hello a room filled with glass spheres
tears no the window raindrops
crawl
dancing doomed
dragged downward
beads of time
measured by a different pulse
heartbeat
of a living and o so finite universe
density another blink
sigh
how about repeat repeating repeated
plangent tones
looping
a room of sound / walls / vibrations (aesthetically unpleasing)
frown
(brown to the touch)
a dizziness where hope died
too
loud
I can feel thoughts frantic against
the windows beating wings
battered tattered
to dust out let me out
o let me out letme
go
dull click and
the music
stopped
Your call your.
Call is.
Your call what?
Your call. Is important.
To us.
REM/RAM
i slide deep holding
the screen and fade
to blue
cyber disinhibition (sigh) yes
better than love better than life
yes i laugh
yes i can't shake free
yes i no can't release
it's easy too easy
moving against you
the other
the not belonging
the not me thank god
it's not me i
am righteous your body oh
so much winning spiralling falling
yes no making breaking code
staring in the dark here
disembodied whose hands
make the history? delete
until they
break
block
ctrl alt shift re boot the
tastetouchsmell burning is this
existence is this condensed into silence
the blank screen
a frictionless spasm
sliiiiiiiither from febrile hateHATE to
fleeting
bliss
wake up wakeupwakeup we
we are here where?
are we
(didn't even look each other
in the eyes)
Address Unknown
i wrote
honestly i
wrote
but time warped
beyond articulation thoughts
scattered into new frames
of reality
they didn't mean what
i thought
i said i meant
sorry i am ... lost
where are
you
(always asking for
forgiveness second chances
the membranes stretch but
never burst)
hope this reaches you
well
hope
but hope dies cocooned
i cannot touch you
so many pages written
and each cry
tumbles
jumbles
mumbles
a name
never yours
Bio: Sadie (@saccharinequeen)
Sadie Maskery lives in Scotland by the sea with her family. Her writing will be found in various publications both online and in print, and she can be found on Twitter as @saccharinequeen where she describes herself, optimistically, as "functioning adequately ".
Poems by Sadie Maskery : “Safe Spaces” “Faith” & “Haiku”
Avalanches in Poetry 2 Entry: To the End of Love by Sadie Maskery
Fevers of the Mind 
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